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What’s a good relationship with your-self look like?

So, you may be asking yourself, “What does a good relationship with me look like?” Sometimes a souring of our self-love can creep up on us. We don’t even know it’s happening until we’re in the middle of the slimy mess and muck.

We can be so unaware of it, that we don’t see how our poor relationship with our-selves is changing our relationships with everyone around us.

Do Tell: The Relationship Game author Kathy Jacobson dedicates her work to helping people build better connections with others by starting with themselves. Jacobson advises, “We tend to judge ourselves far more than we judge anybody else. I think a good relationship with Self takes time to cultivate,  a lot of patience and soothing.” She has some tips on what to look out for and how to get there.

  1. Pay attention to what you think about you: An aspect to a good relationship with ourselves is to pay attention to the ways in which we do judge ourselves and try to find ways to soften the judgment. For instance, if we’re frustrated because we keep running into the same “brick walls” again and again, don’t get down, just stop and realize that everyone has “brick walls.” They are hard. You aren’t the only one with a problem. It doesn’t make you bad. It doesn’t make you broken or a lost cause. You are just you. It is what it is. Judgment will only defeat you. It won’t help you find a game plan for change. Start by just accepting where you are.
  1. Start a little journal dedicated to the things you do well: Write down one or two or three things every day that you did well. Maybe it’s something small like loving your child or doing a good deed, or acknowledging something you’ve completed. They make five-year journals that allow you to write just a small amount every day. Get one of these journals and start with today. If you write down those positive things about yourself or your day every night before you go to bed you will be amazed at the progress you’ll make, and you’ll also have a tool for inspiration when things aren’t going well.

  1. Let yourself enjoy your relationships with others: The more we love ourselves, the more we can share that love with other people. When we’re hard on ourselves and judging ourselves it’s hard to love other people fully. It’s hard to enjoy the special moments with your spouse or children. It’s hard to feel much joy at any kindness because we’re thinking we don’t deserve it. When we judge ourselves we cut ourselves off from the love that comes through. It’s kind of putting a cramp in the hose it’s harder to let it flow. So, let yourself enjoy those people in your life that you DO connect with.

Start today and you’ll find yourself looking in the mirror at a different person, one you like, one you love and one who is full enough to reflect that love to those around them.

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Worry ruins our relationship with our self

Are you a worry wart? It doesn’t exactly bring a great picture to mind, does it? But it’s a good image of how anxiety can weigh on us if we aren’t careful. Worry can leave us like a dried up former version of ourselves, kind of – - warty, and who wants that?

Life Coach and board game designer Kathy Jacobson advises – worry doesn’t do us any favors and can actually make us sick. “We know when we worry about something it literally makes us feel bad – stomach aches, pains in the neck, usually there’s a tightening that happens,” describes Jacobson.

But, she reminds, the great thing about that emotional and physical tie is that it’s a great signal. If we stop for just a moment, and take a check of how our bodies feel, we can recognize the problem and start to do something about it.

When we worry about stuff, we’re focusing on something that just makes us feel crummy. You have the power to either choose to worry about that thing, or find something to think about that makes you feel good right now.

For instance, if you think about not having any money, it can start to take over all of your thoughts. Your neck feels tense and you might start getting a pit in your stomach. But take a minute and look out at the sky or a tree. It doesn’t cost a thing to enjoy that piece of nature. If you think about all the things you can enjoy that don’t take money, you can find a way to make yourself feel good right now – even though you still don’t have any money.

Sometimes we trick ourselves into believing that worry will help us reach our goals, but worry serves no purpose at all. It just steals our joy. It messes up our relationship with ourselves and with others – it takes us out of the stream of happiness that helps us stay connected to the life we were meant to live.

Do Tell: The Relationship Game was created to help people improve their relationships, and realize that a lot we spend time worrying about, can really be something to laugh about.

That’s because most of the things we worry about never happen, and if we can find a way to laugh about the picture of ourselves as worry warts, then maybe we won’t spend so much time bent up and unhappy – disconnected from ourselves over an unnecessary emotion.

Choose today to stop your worry – step into the refreshing stream of joy instead.

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Make your own Eat.Pray.Love. journey to improve your relationship with yourself

If you want to know how to improve your relationship with others, you first have to take some time to improve your relationship with yourself.

The book Eat.Pray.Love. talks about this phenomenon.

If you haven’t read it, the movie version is hitting the big screen in a few weeks. The story, which has resonated with millions of readers is a memoir sub-titled –

“one woman’s search for everything”

Really, it is the chronicle of one woman’s search for a better relationship with herself.

The author of the book, Elizabeth Gilbert, woke up one day after a series of bad romantic relationships and realized she had never taken time to discover who SHE was, what SHE liked and how to make her life whole – all by herself.

So, she made a dramatic move and created a grand around the world journey to improve her relationship with herself. The questions she asked were essentially:

How do I find me? Is it in physical pleasure? Is it a spiritual separation from the world? Is it in giving to others? Is it all three?

Kathy Jacobson – author of Do Tell: The Relationship Game – believes these questions resonate with so many people because they are questions of connectedness. “We have this physical part of ourselves, but we have a much bigger non-physical part,” says Jacobson.

In her practice of helping others, Jacobson finds when we are more connected to ourselves, we are then able to remain connected to this non-physical part of ourselves, and that helps us feel good.

“When we’re in it, we’re just happy,” explains Jacobson. “We have no resistance and we’re not looking at something we don’t want.”

In Eat.Pray.Love. a reader watches Gilbert (and soon the beautiful Julia Roberts in the big screen version) travel around the world to find a place where she isn’t looking at something she doesn’t want.

Most of us can’t do that – BUT that doesn’t mean we need to be denied the pleasures of improving our relationship with ourselves.

Jacobson wrote the Do Tell game because in her work helping others, she found that we can all create our own journey to ourselves and others. It doesn’t have to be a dramatic experience of traveling around the world. It can be a simple night of playing games with your family and friends.

Just asking simple-fun questions that make you laugh, and making new memories with the people you love can help you find that place of connectedness to the source of life within you – without leaving home.

Our most important relationship is our relationship with ourselves. So, stop. Make a place of ease in your life and learn to feel the joy we were meant to feel.

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Vacation with your – Self

July is vacation time. Even if it’s been a long time since you’ve been in school, or since you’ve had kids in school, there’s something about July that begs us to take a break. Maybe it’s the heat. Who can work very hard on a hot-hot day? Maybe it’s just that we all need a change from the hum-drum every once in a while to know we’re alive.

Think back to when you were a kid. Summer was always a time to reconnect with your- self. Maybe you didn’t think about it that way back then, but don’t you remember staring out the window in science class on a nice spring day dreaming of the pleasures of a hot sunny July with nothing to do? When summer came, it always took a few weeks to get your brain downloaded, but by July you were totally connected again to your joy, your happy place, your freedom.

It almost seems cruel for adults who have to sit in offices or work in cubicles during this freedom time – this time to reconnect with our basic selves. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Even if you don’t get to take a vacation from work this month you can take advantage of summer.

Make this July a time to do something for you. After all, the most important relationship you have is the relationship you have with your – Self. That’s what we’re focusing on this month.

Do Tell: The Relationship Game creator Kathy Jacobson says it’s important to slow down and just feel into who you are. It’s the best way to jumpstart your relationship with your Self. “One of the things I like to do is to have people think about something good about themselves, because we aren’t used to thinking about the good stuff,” says Jacobson. “I have people come back home to who they are, their desires and their truth, instead of what somebody else says or requests or demands or thinks is right.”

Come back to who you are. When you were a kid, summer was all about self - staying up late to catch lightening bugs, splashing in the pool or laying at the beach. It was easy to find stuff to love about yourself back then. Do it again. Remember summer and you might remember a few of those things that make you – you.

The sun doesn’t go down until after 9:00 tonight, and the pool is probably open late. So, no matter what you’re doing make a little summer vacation and find yourself again.

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A Father’s Teaching about Gratitude

The question is, “What did your father teach you to be grateful for?”

My very long answer is this: When I was a kid my dad was the one who I felt comfortable around. He worked a lot and was home at night for dinner, mostly, and off and on during the weekends. We didn’t really spend time with our parents. When I was 10 my father moved out and left me and my younger siblings with my mother. That was what they did in the 60’s.

After that I saw my father on Sundays only. We did fun things, like go to amusement parks, movies, fishing (yuck), dinners and lots of cool things. I didn’t really appreciate this until I was much older. But I did finally get the commitment he had to us and am grateful for that every day.

It used to bug me that my father seemed like an ostrich – if there was something he didn’t want to look at, he would look away (or stick his head in the ground in my eyes). What I’ve come to learn now is that he wanted to see the positive and not the negative in his life.

About 15 years ago one of my cousins asked me what I got from my father. This is the answer to the question in a roundabout way. My father taught me to look at the glass as half full. It’s not that he taught me to be grateful for something in particular, but he taught me a way to be in the world.

He lived his life this way. It made some people totally crazy. But, in the end, I understood what inspired him and I am so grateful that I learned this lesson early in my life.

So, thank you, Dad. I love you.

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Independence Day at Do Tell

There was a country music song a few years back called Independence Day by Martina McBride. The chorus of the song goes:

“Let freedom ring. Let the white dove sing. Let the whole world know that Today is a day of reckoning. Let the weak be strong. Let the right be wrong. Roll the stone away. Let the guilty pay. It’s Independence Day.”

Now, if you listen to the rest of the song you realize it’s actually a tragic story about a mother who sent her daughter off to the fair and then burned the house down around herself and her drunken husband. Ouch! Not exactly the end of the story that any of us would want. So, we certainly don’t advocate that plan.

BUT, the idea of making our own Independence Day is a good one. Each of us have some kind of sticky situations in our families. They might have us feeling bound up inside and unable to connect with those we love. We can choose to make a revolution and create a startling change that will let our personal freedom ring.

At our Do Tell: The Relationship Game blog this month we’ve been talking about Breathing and how potent a tool it can be to help us reconnect and redirect our lives. This week take a deep breath and practice your own revolution.

As the United States celebrates its July 4th Independence Day. Here, most of us will have some kind of activity planned, or we can take part in one if we choose. There will be a family picnics, fireworks displays, fairs and parades. Even if you aren’t patriotic, (or aren’t an American) it’s the perfect time to celebrate freedom, and the little victories you’ve found in your own life. The freedoms we have and the freedoms we hope to find.

If you’re still facing some kind of tyrant or tyranny, stop for just a moment and breathe. Breathe out the bad and breathe in the good. As you watch the fireworks, breathe in the celebration of your own Independence Day. Make it your personal celebration, and breathe in your own victory.

A July 4th celebration is also a great time to get some conversations going with questions from Do Tell: The Relationship Game. If you find yourself camping, or sitting around watching fireworks, you can make new connections with friends and family by playing. Chances are you’ll be outside or someplace without electricity. So, a board game is perfect. You can still get it in time for the holiday if you order on Amazon.com or go to a retail outlet near you.

Have some fun family times this week. If you need to make it your own Independence Day.

Rock down to your favorite triumphant music. Be it Stars and Stripes Forever, I’m Proud to be an American, or These Boots are Made for Walking. Just choose something that gets your juices flowing and celebrate your own revolution.

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Your Emotions and Your Relationships

Last night I watched part of PBS’s This Emotional Life. This segment was about a husband and wife and their trials and tribulations. Of course they were totally in love when they married, subsequently had four children and things went south. She felt like she was a great mom but he wasn’t very available. He felt like his wife criticized everything he did so he clammed up, disappeared. As their lives continued on this path, he had an affair. Fortunately for them, they began couples counseling.

The therapist helped them communicate with each other as best he could. His belief was that he needed to watch couples have conflict so he could help them change and grow from it. Oftentimes, the husband would use basketball as a way of explaining something to his wife. Every time he did, she got mad. She simply didn’t understand why he kept on talking about basketball and felt like he was changing the subject.

Finally the therapist asked the husband about his father. It turns out that his father had been murdered when he was two years old. The therapist asked if he had any memories of his father. The husband said he did. He remembered that his father gave him a basketball. He said he couldn’t really get his arms around it but he hugged it all the time.

You should have seen the look on his wife’s face when she heard those words. Her face and her body language softened. It was so beautiful because you could see that she understood something very important about her husband that she hadn’t before this conversation. It was obvious that something big had shifted in her and that things would change between them.

We often don’t take the time to ask questions. To find out what makes each other tick, or to find out how our past has influenced us. We don’t even know what questions to ask. Sometimes we’re too busy, sometimes too polite, sometimes don’t even care.

In these days when everything goes so fast it’s important to connect with those we love, to get current with what’s happening with them and with us and to laugh while we do it. For this reason, Do Tell, the Relationship Game is the perfect remedy. It sets the space to have fun and get more connected with the folks we love. So don’t wait any longer -  we’re here to love and feel happy and here is one terrific way to accomplish both.

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When do you feel guilty?

In the Family version of Do Tell® I included this card, “When do you feel guilty? Give an example,” because I think it’s interesting to hear how different people answer it. How would a mother or father answer this card while playing with their children or vice versa? And what sweet communication and understanding might happen with this kind of exchange?

The first thing I want to say is that I think guilt is one of the dumbest things in the world. It does nobody any good and only keeps us feeling bad about ourselves.

Here’s my answer. I hate to admit it, but I sometimes feel guilty for what I could judge as a “silly” reason.  I might be feeling really good but if I’m around someone who isn’t feeling so great, I might make it seem like I’m not as happy as I really am. As if that would make them feel any better. Where did I learn that trick?

Here’s the last time I felt really guilty. One Saturday morning I called my brother and told him that I would attend a recital that evening in which my nieces were going to be playing the piano and violin. In the meantime, I had a really hard day scheduled, an off-site with a business partner that turned out to be very emotional, and it wiped me out. So I called to say I would not be coming.

When my sister-in-law answered the phone she told me that I would be sorry if I didn’t come. And, boy, was she right! I don’t know what the meaning of her words were but I felt like I had been cursed. I couldn’t make peace with myself for canceling, my brain went berserk about who would be mad at me (and it was a long, long list because I was such a bad girl), I wished that I hadn’t had the off-site and blah, blah blah. The worst thing was that I carried on this way for a couple of days.

Now, I know better than this. All the tools I know and teach didn’t help me much to get back to center. At least at the beginning. But little by little I was able to feel better, to know that I am a good person, to know that I love my nieces and that they love me and to remember not to schedule possibly difficult events on a day when I have other important things to do.

Whew, that guilt thing is for the birds.

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How often do you count your blessings?

To continue on answering the Tell cards from Do Tell the Relationship game, I chose the first card I wrote from the Family Version. This one asks, “How often do you count your blessings?”

I’m at a time in my life when I count my blessings ALL the time! I’ve learned that I can either look at what’s not working, or I can make a conscious decision to look at what IS working. From that perspective, life is lovely.  For example, (I’m counting blessings now) I’m lucky enough to be in the same room as my mate, with both of writing together. The light is coming through the window, even though it’s been foggy most of the day. My laptop still works well as does the heater we are using on June 23rd! My kitties are waiting patiently (or at least silently) for their dinner and we have yummy food lovingly prepared by both of us waiting to to eaten at our leisure.

I count my iphone as a blessing too. A BIG one! I don’t use it much as a phone but find that I am loving walking through my life taking photos of what’s right in front of me. For example, here’s a tree on Sacramento street that just amazed me.

I love touching trees and feeling their energy. I know it sounds weird and maybe it is, but another blessing I count is that I do it anyway and don’t worry (much) about what people think of me.

So I can honestly and happily say that I count my blessings many times a day.

How about you?

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A Breath of Fresh Air

Take a step outside this week and breathe. The start of summer brings with it the longest days of the year. It’s the perfect time to stay out late and breathe in a little new relaxation.

There is nothing that can regenerate the soul as quickly as a few moments connecting to the natural world – breathing it in can be a potent tool.

We all have a little part of our earth that thrills our spirit. Find yours:

Is it the beauty of a tree that rustles in the breeze and gives you shade on a sunny day?

Are you a gardener who loves to feel dirt between your fingers and the thrill of a new sprout shooting up from a seed you planted?

Maybe, you love water, and the sound of the waves hitting the shore, or the cool-wet thrill of a dip in water on a hot summer day?

Do you like to feel fresh cut grass between your toes?

If you can’t go there now, just close your eyes and imagine it. See your favorite natural space in your mind’s eye. Put yourself there and take a deep breath. Notice what season it is, what time of day. Are you by yourself? Are there any sounds? What is the temperature? Is there a breeze? What is the sky like? Breathe in that good memory. Breathe in that good place and breathe out any tension or negative energy that you notice in your body.

Now, just clear your mind and focus on your breath. Play with it, become a part of the natural world around you, or just visualize yourself responding to it.

Here are some cards from Do Tell: The Relationship Game that put a little fun into this exercise.

Do: Be a turtle who is running late.

Do: Demonstrate what you do when you’re on a hike with a group of people and they are far ahead of you.

Tell: Would you rather be a cat who is stroked or a dog who herds? Why?

Do: You’re a scout leader lost in the woods as night falls. Give your uplifting “We’re going to be OK,” speech to the scouts.

We are a part of the natural world. We are connected to it with every breath that we take. So, take advantage of a little extra summer sunshine to add life to your breath. Bring in some relaxing energy. Breathe out what you no longer want.

Trying using your voice as a part of this exercise. Speak as you exhale. Say out loud what you want to breathe out. It becomes more concrete this way. Then you can tap into the natural power of what is going on inside you, and connect to a fresh new breath for your life.

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Do Tell Cards – #1 What do you appreciate about yourself?

Over seven years ago I was massaging a friend of mine. She looked up from the table and said the most amazing words to me. She stated, “You should make a board game about connection.” When she said that this incredible rush went through me and I decided to do just that. All I knew was that it would have a board, some cards and that the symbol of the board would be a spiral.

I began creating content, lots of content. Some of it was good, some of it was not. I remember that the first question card I wrote was, “Name three things you appreciate about yourself.” Now, on a good day, that’s an easy card to answer.  It didn’t even occur to me that there would be a time when I couldn’t find an answer to this.

I was wrong. One day while playing with complete strangers, I chose this card. Because I didn’t want to sound conceited, or like I was bragging, I found myself tongue-tied and very uncomfortable. I bumbled through the card and the game went on. That situation gave me a whole lot to think about.

What that did for me was to give me a much broader perspective of what this game and these cards can evoke.

Today, right now, I can answer that question. Here are three things I appreciate about myself:

1. I love to love people, to connect with them on deep levels
2. I can see both sides of a story and that makes me a very good couples coach
3. I have a good sense of humor and that helps my clients (and friends) feel good

This is a good day because I can actually list more than that. But for now, that’s a good start.

Now it’s your turn. What are three things you appreciate about yourself? I’d love to hear.

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Breathe in the Smells Around You

One way we can be present in our breathing is to notice the smells we inhale. Smells are all around us and they are really potent. “Smell” is the strongest sense we have. Our olfactory glands bring back memories quicker than anything else.

We’ve all experienced this. Maybe you go outside on a dewy morning and suddenly are hit with memories of a trip to the country, or you step on a bus and the rose perfume wafting from the woman next to you smells just like your grandmother.

In her book, A Natural History of the Senses, Diane Ackerman explores how smell (and the other senses) contributes to our perceptions of the world around us. The physical act of smelling opens up our memory center. It taps into emotional responses, but Ackerman points out smells are often things we neglect to talk about:

“Smell is the mute sense, the one without words. We are left tongue-tied, groping for words in a sea of inarticulate pleasure and exaltation. We see only when there is light enough, taste only when we put things into our mouths, touch only when we make contact with someone or something, hear only sounds that are loud enough. But we smell always and with every breath. Cover your eyes and you will stop seeing, cover your ears and you will stop hearing, but if you cover your nose and try to stop smelling, you will die.”

Smelling and breathing are intricately connected. Different scents activate different parts of us. Train yourself to breathe in the smells, and wait for the memory triggers.

Create space around you that taps into natural smells that lift your spirits. Teach yourself to focus on good stuff. It’s an important part of getting your breath to serve you more instead of being just something you automatically do.

Above all, you need to remember that you have everything you need right at your fingertips. Natural smells are usually not too far away, even if you live in the city.

Catch the scent of a rose and discover what it does for you.

Smell the trees and breathe in their energy.

Try a satchel of lavender by your bed if you’re not sleeping well at night.

If there is a special place you like to go, stop there and notice the smells there. Notice what delights your senses and as you breathe it in, feel your body opening up. You’ll notice that you’re happy there. You can use that information to take with you other places. It’s an intentional step that many people don’t take.

At Do Tell: The Relationship Game we’re all about making connections. Becoming aware of the smells that connect to your inner energy can be an important part of connecting to yourself. If you’re lucky enough to be able to describe that smell to others, you can connect to them too. Ask yourself, “What’s my favorite smell?” Or consider asking someone else that same question, then begin to feel a new connection to your breath and a new connection to your life.

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Roll the Dice, Discover the Winnings

We’ve been doing whatever we can to get the word out about our games. Not only because we want to sell more games, but mostly because we believe in the purpose and the concept of them. We know that in these days when things are going at lightening speed that human beings need to take time to stop, breathe, smell the roses and connect with each other. And these games provide the time and space to do just that.

Today we were featured in FG Market’s Blog. How exciting it is to see ourselves being written up by someone else http://www.fgmarket.com/blog/do-tell-board-game/ Here are a few of the things they’ve written: “… perfect for family night or as a great party activity! .. looking for a unique board game that will cause them to laugh until they cry…fun and thought-provoking game creates and strengthens relationships between family members, friends, significant others, and even strangers. … educational and fun kids board games…just what you need! … party ideas? Look no further! With two versions…cater to the young, old and everyone in between. …Christmas party, birthday party, children’s party or even looking for a bridal shower game,…”

We’re proud to say that Do Tell is being used by therapists and educators to further understanding, diversity through fun interactions. And we’re so happy that you’re on the ride with us.

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Breathing Can be a Brain Re-boot

Intentional breathing is like a re-boot to your brain.

Sometimes our thoughts are like a background program on a computer that slows it down. We forget they are there, because we don’t pay attention to them. It’s not until you re-boot that you remember they even exist. As you shut down your computer, each of the running programs has to be addressed and closed – even those you forgot about.

We usually don’t have to think about breathing. It is one of those unconscious behaviors that blends into the background of our lives. But our breath can be another important tool to help us be present and put our day into perspective. Things really can change when we pay attention.

A few minutes focusing on breath and just noticing what goes on inside you can be really powerful.

Last week, we talked about HOW to concentrate on your breathing and why it’s important. Now, consider what to think about when you breathe.

Think about your breath: How does it feel to have air come in and go out of your body? Feel it go deeply into your lungs. Imagine that extra oxygen rushing through your blood. As you learn to make breath something that serves you and not something that you just do, be very deliberate. Pay attention to how your brain feels when you focus on your breathing and nothing else. Most people find what happens is that they notice something is different or they feel a little bit better just by paying attention to how their breathing feels.

Think about your body: Now pay attention to how your physical body feels as you breathe. You may notice all kinds of stuff. A zinging? Or throbbing? Is there anywhere that you find you are holding tension? Invite that relaxing gentle energy you are feeling through those fresh breaths to come into the areas of tension or pain in your body. Is your neck tense? Breathe in relaxation to your neck and breathe out the tightness.

Pay attention to your thoughts: When those areas of tension in your body begin to relax you may find memories or events coming to your head. Capture them. Review them, review the details. Maybe at first you just have to write down the bit of memory or the image that your brain triggers. They are important, they can lead you to understanding why you’ve been tense, or what problems are driving your day.

As you breathe through a brain re-boot, you are likely to find memory streams that you weren’t aware were running. As you turn those thoughts over in your mind, you can begin to make sense of the kind of stuff that is slowing you down, or even causing a major malfunction.

We all hold stuff in our bodies. Being able to identify what our stuff is and how it is causing our physical bodies to feel can help change old thought habits. So, spend at least as much time as it takes to re-boot your computer, re-booting your brain today. It will help you build a new connection with yourself and open you to better connections with others. That’s what Do Tell: The Relationship Game is all about. Breathing new life, re-booting and re-building relationships.

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